For some reason the phrases “Rock-a-billy” and “Skiddle-dee-doo” are fighting it out for supremacy in my head. Not sure what’s up with that.

So I don’t do resolutions. Not really. But I have a few things I’d like to get accomplished this year, so I will call then Ben-o-lutions for 2009.

1) Hunt down and kill/stuff the elusive Minja. It’s time for a reckoning, Minjas.

2) Keep my car from dying. Kill and dissect other cars and graft them onto my car to prolong life.

3) Get “Frankencar” personalized license plate. Replace horn with evil laugh.

4) Learn to sing that Figaro song, all opera-licious-like.

5) Teach Pogo to gargle with industrial strength Listerine.

6) Learn the ancient ways of the Iraqi “shoe-kune-do” fighting technique.

7) Paint over the “Eastwinds Dr./Sailmaster Dr.” street sign across the way with “Kickassery Dr./El Supremo Streeto Dr.” and immediately order a pizza.

8.) Create a sweet “Xenu’s a Dickhead” t-shirt design and sell them out front of scientology churches in my “Xenu’s a Dickhead”booth, complete with Xenu’s a Dickhead beer cozies and Xenu’s a Dickhead adjustable trucker hats.

9) Write a hit song, rise to the top of the charts, lose myself in debauchery and drug use, complete rehab, fall off the wagon, complete rehab, write a best seller about my path of pain and self discovery, and get a movie made about my life staring Sanjaya as me by 2010.

10) Learn to play the guitar. See number 9.

11) Figure out how to cook something other than bacon cheeseburgers and spaghetti.

12) Start shopping for ingredients. See number 11.

13) Get more than three haircuts this year, or learn to mold my hair into a rockin Caucasian-Fro.

14) Wear the awesome tuxedo clown shoes I have on Tuesdays.