I need to do more Jazz Hands when I’m talking to people. I never think about doing sweet Jazz Hand moves until it’s too late.

So it’s early in the year, and the list isn’t very big yet, but here’s a list of things I have sworn not to do anymore, because I’ve already done them this year, and they didn’t go over very well:

1) When in a Chinese restaurant, never quote the “Sorry Roger, you tiger now” commercial in a comical parody of a Chinese accent when you discover that you were born in the year of the tiger from your “what animal are you” place-mat. The Chinese waitress will be standing behind you waiting to take your order and will look at you like you are an asshole. She will be right.

2) When attending a dinner party at Paulie and Jen’s house, do not touch your eye after petting the cat. You are allergic to cats and your eye will immediately swell up and turn blazing red. You will have to pretend everything is normal and people will silently freak out when you’re talking to them because you have a crazy big red eye that keeps oozing tears, and it will stay that way until five seconds after you leave.

3) When  playing with your sweet new Air Hogs  Havoc Heli (colors may vary) mini helicopter  (  http://www.amazon.com/Air-Hogs-Havoc-Heli-Colors/dp/B000NSFO3W ) because toys are fun! , never stand there and try to make your Air Hogs Havoc Heli (colors may vary) mini helicopter hold position in the air when it’s a foot away from your face. Blind Shana will walk into your leg, you will jerk the controls, your Air Hogs Havoc Heli (colors may vary) mini helicopter will fly directly into your face, Blind Shana will freak out and run into her food bowl when your scream like a little girl , dog food will explode in all directions, Fat Pogo will rush into the kitchen and start gorging on the dog food that has exploded in all directions, your Air Hogs Havoc Heli (colors may vary) mini helicopter will crash into the ceiling, then drop into the dog’s water dish and stop working, and you will wonder when your royalty check from the universe’s top rated sitcom will arrive in the mail so you can go buy another Air Hogs Havoc Heli (colors may vary) mini helicopter.