I’m outta here. I hear rumors that WordPress is being run by alien chupacabras. My buddy Mike tells me that he saw a TV show about these farmer dudes talking about their cows being found dead, but with holes cut out of their asses that no scientific method can reproduce, not even with lasers.

NOT EVEN LASERS, MAN! That’s fucked up!

So what else could be doing crap like that besides aliens?

Anyway, if WordPress thinks this cat is going to sit around and wait for his ass to be eaten out, they’ve got another thing coming. I don’t want no part of that crazy shit.

I’m moving here, where my ass will be safe.

Out.

1) If Pogo was an ancient Roman god, he would be Eatius Maximus. When he gets excited, he walks toward you chomping his teeth like a furry pac-man. I know which member of the Donner party that fat bastard would be.

2) I got my- okay, wait: Does anyone else agree with me that it is flat out stupid wrong to have prescription medicine commercials? “Hello, people that have not gone to medical school! Here’s some expensive pills that we made that you should ask for because we have comforting music playing and don’t you see that old lady smiling?! Wouldn’t you like to smile like that when you’re running through a field of flowers? Oh, and these pills might make your eyeballs bleed or maybe your spleen implode, but that’s only in some of the people. Wow, look at those flowers!” 

3) I want one of these things. I feel like a bratty Nellie Olsen right now, stomping my foot and being all hmmph-y. “I said I want one! I want one right nooooow!” stomp stomp. So this is what you have to do to get one:

-Send an actual letter to the two guys in Switzerland that hand make them.

-Place an order, then fly to Switzerland to get it

-Bring 1500.00 dollars

I wonder if they would take Imnotbenny dollars? Or maybe Pogo.

Okay, I got like 5 clicks on my poll after quite a few hits here, and I think that’s because in general, my poll ideas are not funny and are made out of suck. This is what happens when no one is around to tell me that I’m not always hilarious; my dog’s tell me anything I want to hear because I control the treats, or in Pogo’s case, anything that will fit into his mouth. So anyway, here’s my last poll.

So I’ve been trying to use the force to float a bowl of cereal to my lap for like twenty minutes and no cereal. George Lucas is a lying asshole.

Recipe for poop soup:

1) Send dogs out to do their business. Add -15 degree weather. Do not pick it up because it’s too cold.

2) Snow. Snow a butt-load of snow.

3) Lament the fact that you didn’t do your job and clean up your yard when you had the chance.

4) Quickly get over step three and admire your clean fresh yard.

5) Repeat steps 1-4.

6) Repeat steps 1-4.

7) Repeat steps 1-4.

8.) Increase temperature to a blistering 40 degrees overnight.

9) Send Blind Shana outside to stir.

10) Enjoy!

So, you know the day is starting badly when the first thing you say when you open the front door is “SWEET JESUS!”, and then Fat Pogo starts whining because he greedily drank all the water out of the water dish because it was the closest thing to food he could get his mouth around. For a slovenly fart machine, Fat Pogo is actually quite dainty about keeping his feet clean. I suspect this is so he can feel the occasional crumb of food that he might walk on in the house. Or outside, I guess. He’ll eat garbage.

So, breathing a sigh of relief, you transfer the chain from Fat Pogo to Blind Shana, and Blind Shana runs out to the new slip and slide that is your yard and does a back roll. Game on.

So, removing the E-coli from your stupid asshole blind idiot dog, you put on your waders, grab a snow shovel, make the sign of the cross, and head to the front lines.

You know what sucks?

The world and everything in it today.

Spell check informs me that butt-load should be hyphenated. I guess that’s kind of funny. The day’s looking up.

So I got a letter from the school stating that I’m on the Dean’s list, and there’s nothing else in there except the letter. I know because I shook the envelope a couple times.

I would have thought I’d get some pizza coupons or a free car wash or something.

Sucks.

Me: So I got out of work early tonight. you gonna stop by or wait til tomorrow?

Paulie: “Sure, I’ll head out that way.”

Me: “Foot-fist way- I got the movie.”

Paulie: “Ok. Just let me finish eating and put some pants on and I’ll be over.”

Jen (background vocals): “He eats without his pants.”

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 1) bar-stool

2) rebound into the couch

3) bounce off into my guitar case I leave as a barrier so she won’t decimate my drumset that I don’t play enough

4) careen off the case and smash into the counter

5) stops walking when I tell her to calm the fuck down before she kills herself

6) Pogo resumes eating sloppily

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Brian: I thought I heard on the radio earlier that it’s supposed to get down to 15 below.

Me: Tonight?

Brian: Yeah.

Me: Here?

Brian: Well, not right here.

Me: Oh, cause I was totally going to go stand over there.

—————————-

2 mins. later

—————————

Me: Hey.

Brian: Hey.

Me: So….anything new since the last time we spoke?

Brian: …………………..um…..nope.

Me: Ah…………….How bout now?

—————————-

Things I plan to do today:

1. Every time I see Brian, I’m going to smile as big as I can and frantically wave for 10 seconds.

2. Work on my rendition of “Don’t cry for me Argentina” while showering.

3. Eat all of Bob’s pretzel sticks at work and refill the canister with I.O.U.’s

4. Go get a four piece Mcnugget at break time and demand 15 sauces.

5. Print up some I’mnotbenny dollars and use them for tipping.

6. Check up on my Hooter’s application.

7. Plan out the specs of my flapjack roadside stand, due to open this spring along I-94

8. Throw out some sweet chatter at the ice fishers on Lake St. Clair on my way to work:

“Hey fisher fisher fisher….FISH FISHER! FISH!”

9. Have a sit down with Pogo about his halitosis.

10. Stop in at Anchor Bay Aquarium, put a Kroger bag with tartar sauce and lemon in it on the counter, and ask if any of their fish is on sale.

11. Finish up the “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” dance choreography moves for my dance group. Finish sewing the “Fast as Lightning!” cat outfits. Confirm booking for the “Funky Chinatown Song and Dance Hour,” set for Sat. night at Eggroll Express.

I think it’s all out of sync because Carl Douglas’ kung fu is too strong to capture in real time:

This. Is. Awesome.

I totally need this money right now.

Perhaps it would be easier to just post the email I just got:

Greetings!!!

I am Mr Peterson Adams.I have been waiting for you to contact me for your Confirmable Bank Draft of

($800.000.00) United States Dollars, but I did not hear from you. Then I went and deposit the Draft with FedEx

Delivery,West Africa,I travelled out of the country for a 3Months Course and I will not come back till end of March.

What you have to do now is to contact the FedEx Delivery as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your

package to you because of the expiring date.For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge, Insurance

premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor

Terrorist attack in your Country. The only money you will send to the FedEx Delivery to deliver your Draft direct to

your postal Address in your country is ($195) Dollars only being Security Keeping Fee of the Delivery Company so

far. Again,don’t be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except ($195) Dollars .I would have paid that

but they said no because they don’t know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage.You have to

contact the FedEx Delivery now for the delivery of your Draft with this information below;Name: Address: Age:

Marital Status: Nationality: Phone Number:

Contact Person: Mr.Mark Harrison.
Email:fedexdispatch_courier@live.com
Telephone:+2347036371149

Do not forget to contact me when you have receive your package. Have a great day!!!
Regards. Mrs. Williams

There’s only a few things that are bothering me about this, but I’m sure it’s nothing:

1) Does Fed-Ex have a check for me in the amount of eight hundred thousand dollars, or eight hundred dollars and no cents and no cents?

2) Why does Mr. Peterson Adams have such a bad internet connection? It keeps fucking up his grammar. If I didn’t know better, I would think that English wasn’t Mr. Peterson Adams first language. Or second! But that’s just craziness, LOL!……. LOL!

3) I certainly wouldn’t want to dally too long. I hate it when my mail expires.

4) When did Fed-Ex decide to reinstate the fee for package delivery? That seems like poor timing, in lieu of the economy crisis we’re in. Bastards.

5) What is this “demurrage” that can happen to my money? DO I NEED DEMURRAGE INSURANCE??

6) I hope that Mr. Peterson Adams’ “three month course” goes well. I’m pretty sure that is code speak for a sex change operation, because by the end of the email, he had turned into one Mrs. Williams.

Man, am I going to buy tons of spumoni with that cash?

You betcha.

Me: You know what’s a good movie?

Brian? What’s that?

Me: In the Valley of Elah. Have you seen it?

Brian: Isn’t that that Iraq movie?

Me: Yeah. Tommy Lee Jones, Susan Sarandon, Charlize Theron..

Brian: They’re in it?

Me: And others.

Brian: Oh, it’s not just them?

Me: Naw. There’s others.

Brian: Isn’t that where the guy’s looking for his kid or something?

Me: Yeah, but I don’t want to spoil it for you.

Brian: I’ll probably never see it anyway..

Me: Oh, well, his kid goes AWOL and joins the circus and becomes an elephant trainer, but trains the elephants to hunt Iraqi terrorists. It’s pretty sweet.

Brian: Really? He joins the circus?

Me: Yeah, a suicide bomber drives the clown car into the audience at the end and it blows up into anthrax confetti. You should check it out. 

———————————–

Brian: Have you ever seen The Girls Next Door?

Me: About the playmates?

Brian: Yeah.

Me: I’ve seen it a couple of times. The last time I saw it, one of the girls was freaking out because she didn’t know how to make hamburgers, so I turned the sound off. How sheltered of a life have you lived when you’re too stupid to figure out how to make a hamburger? It’s got like two ingredients: hamburger and a pair of hands.

Brian: You need heat. That’s three ingredients.

Me: Good point. I guess that would kind of throw a newbie.

———————————-

Me: You know what sucks?

Brian: I don’t know. Being on 32 hours a week again?

Me: No, baked Cheetos. Those things suck.

Brian: I don’t think I can afford baked Cheetos right now.

Me: Good thing, cause they suck.

———————————-

Whatnot:

This is what was in Mark’s garbage today from last week:

1 McDonald’s bag

1White Castle bag

1 Butterfinger wrapper, king size

2 16oz Prairie Farms chocolate milk, with Vit. D

1 hostess donettes “crumb mini donuts” bag, ripped apart

1 KFC bag, gravy stained

2 hershey Take 5 wrappers

1 empty box of 5 hour energy drink, orange flavor

1 moldy orange

and

1 empty bag of 100 calorie mini oreos, to keep the weight off.